In a time of year when I should be feeling beyond motivated to set resolutions for the new year, I'm feeling a little lackluster in the dreaming department.
During a season when I should be feeling grateful and counting my blessings, I find that once they're counted, I might feel content for the next ten minutes or so, but then the doubt and anxiety and uncertainty creep back in to their usual nesting places.
(And trust me, I make myself count my blessings on a daily basis. It's one of my coping mechanisms, apparently.)
So what's my deal?
Well, here's the Great Truth I've come to after thinking about this for months on end:
Just because something is worth it in the end, that doesn't mean it won't be hard to go through it.
Just because something is what your wiser self knows you need, doesn't mean that it's something your childish, immature self is going to be okay with all the time.
I was talking to Matt the other day about how it seems that I don't dream much anymore. Perhaps it's because so many of our dreams didn't come to fruition (like becoming a bajillionaire by the time we were 30, naturally), or perhaps it's just because my child seems to have been on a napping boycott for about three months now, but my mind doesn't delve into the realm of possibility so much, anymore---
It's usually stuck instead on, "Wow, I have a messy apartment that I really should clean and a child that's super whiny that probably needs to be bundled up and taken outside because we're both going stir crazy and oh yeah, I haven't eaten any real food in 6 hours or even gone to the bathroom for that matter, so I probably should get on that."
The fact is (and we all know this, deep down) is that to get anything of value, something must be sacrificed. It's the Law of the Harvest---you reap what you sow---but of course, you actually have to put in the work and the sweat and the tears to actually be able to harvest something.
Knowing something is going to be worth it in the end though, doesn't necessarily make it easier to go through.
It just makes you more willing to push through it.
I can apply this to so much in my life right now.
I know I need to stay at a healthy weight for both my health and my sanity, but that doesn't mean that I'm loving going out for a run or out to an exercise class when I'm already exhausted from the day or when I'd rather stay home and watch more episodes of Gilmore Girls or when it's bat-crap-crazy-cold outside.
I know that it's better for us to wait to buy a house until we have more of a down payment and our financial situation is more stable, but it doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated living in an apartment that is absolutely jam-packed with stuff (despite all my years of decluttering) and with no yard to escape to.
I know that stay-at-home-motherhood (or being a mom, period) is absolutely the best thing for me to do right now, but it doesn't mean that I don't get tired of having a little shadow dump out every last thing that can be dumped out and then whine for an hour straight and then refuse to go down for a nap.
Of course, these things are worth it in the end--staying healthy, being fiscally responsible, being a parent.
But it doesn't make the sacrifice any easier when you're going through it.
And that's really all I have to say today about it---
I don't have any brilliant words of wisdom that will make it all better, that will make you not want to tear your hair out because you're now in the fourth week straight of dealing with the insurance marketplace, and they still can't freaking verify your income, and you just have a feeling that it's all going to end badly...
But all I can say is that my wiser self has been around long enough that she knows that it really is all worth it, in the end.
So I just need to hang in there.