Friday, January 24, 2014

Thoughts on Babies and Having a "Mother Heart"


Obviously it's been no secret (if you read Wednesday's post) that I've been a little gloomy, woe-is-me lately. Then today, after a third hour that dragged as slowly as tar drips (for me anyway---I can't speak for my students), I was just rejoicing in the fact that there's a weekend ahead of me that involves Leatherby's and a baby shower and a photography shoot and time with my family in Bountiful.

Then, to further lighten my mood from its dismal, January-ish state, I read this post on Bon's blog all about the tender mercies she's experienced lately from her Heavenly Father when it came to dealing with the anniversary of her dad's death (seriously, you have to read it).

And you know what?

I needed a reminder of that today.

I needed to be reminded that despite my own bad mood, I still have been experiencing multiple "silver linings" that have largely gone uncommented on because I've been Mrs. Grumpy-Pants.

Let me share one such example with you.

Since I was young, I always felt like I was never a "normal" girl---I never really liked weddings, I positively loathed bridal or baby showers, I usually said whatever was on my mind when it came to dating instead of "playing the dating game," and I absolutely had no idea of what it felt like to be "baby hungry" (although I knew that one day I wanted to have a family of my own).

Most of the time, these things never bothered me, but since getting married, I have felt an often-unspoken pressure that I "should" be baby-hungry or that I "should" be looking forward with great anticipation to the day that I'd become a mother. When other women talk about how they've always had those types of feelings or that they can't wait to start a family, I always feel a little inadequate, like I was born with a screw loose in my brain (or my heart) or something.

Now, don't get me wrong---it's not that I don't want those things for myself, but rather that I just never felt that intense desire to have those things NOW.

Honestly, this is how it's always been in my life with major decisions---when my Heavenly Father wants me to be ready for something (like getting married or serving a mission), he prepares me so that I'll FEEL ready (especially if I never felt ready (or even desired) some of those things before, or at least not for a long time). It's kind of hard to explain, but I think it's because He knows that I'm not one to just jump into anything willy-nilly---I'm the type that has to be 100% sure before I commit (but once I'm committed, I'm going all the way).

Because I've often felt guilty because we're waiting a little longer than some people to start our family, I've prayed often for the past two and a half years to be blessed with "a mother heart" and the desire to have children. For months and then years, those feelings didn't come, and I was happy to admire other people's babies and then hand them back when a certain time had elapsed, hoping that someday those feelings would change and that I wouldn't just have to force myself into the whole motherhood thing without really having the desire.

But lately, I've noticed a subtle shifting in my feelings towards the matter----although I'm not 100% there, my feelings HAVE drastically changed over the past few months, which I know is my Heavenly Father's way of prepping me for upcoming changes and starting the internal process that will eventually lead us to want to start a family NOW.

Now, this is not to say that these things will happen soon (or that we're trying to have them happen soon)----this is just me recording that my Heavenly Father does answer prayers, in His own time and in His own way.

And I'm beyond grateful for the knowledge I finally have that the path I'm on right now is right for us---even if it's not the right path for everyone.(And I'm beyond grateful to finally know that THAT'S OKAY.)

I hadn't planned on sharing this on my blog at all, but I felt like I should if for no other reason than for my own memory.

Thanks for reading.

5 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to the "Mother Heart" thing. I was always super awkward around children and never felt super "baby hungry". After a year of marriage though, I felt strongly it was time to start trying, and it wasn't until 3 years later that I got pregnant. I look back on that time now and I know it was really just Heavenly preparing me for Motherhood. Everyone truly does have a path that's right for them.

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  2. I once felt the same as you, wasn't in a rush to have kids but to focus school/jobs for a while...and now here I'm due tomorrow!

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  3. I think most people have a subject that is tender to their feelings for one reason or another, that they have to come to terms with. I love that you know that it's definitely okay to have your own path! You know what my touchy subject is. It's the amount of children to have. While I sometimes feel that lots of people are judging me for my personal decisions, I also know that people don't really care as much as I'm thinking they do. And I shouldn't care anyways. The most important lesson for us to learn is the development of our OWN unique individual relationship with God and our Spouse. To truly trust God regardless of any outside forces. Obviously I'm still working on this one ;). Love you my friend! I know that whatever choice you and Matt make together will be right.

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  4. I totally started looking at wedding stuff when I hit college, but the baby thing I could never relate to. I have had many years where I felt off and on horrible about it until I spoke with one of my friends and she told me wanting to be a mother was what she felt a spiritual gift. Like all spiritual gifts, it is one some people come with and one that we can always ask to receive. I totally know how you feel though and I've been praying for the same. My heart has been changing lately and I am so happy and also relieved to know that it does come though!

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  5. I can completely relate to you, and it was a breath of fresh air to read that you felt like something was wrong with you because you DIDN'T have that desire. I also think the fact that you are LDS and felt that way had even more impact on me. :) I am 31, single, and have zero desire to bear children. Like, at all, ever. But I pray about it, like you did and are. Knowing that the Lord DID change your heart really encourages me that if this is something that, someday, will happen in my life, that He will change the desires of my heart. :) Thank you so much for being so authentic and transparent, this really, truly touched my heart. The Bible tells us that the heart is deceptive, so I really shouldn't be following my heart anyway!

    xoxo,
    gayle | grace for gayle
    I'm a #Previvor!

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Thanks so much for leaving a comment! I love reading your thoughts :)

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