Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Marriage May Not Make You Blind, But...


One thing I love about blogs is that they've opened up little windows into a lot of issues that many people don't talk about too openly: money, marriage, parenting, fears--they're all out there on some blog, all the time. Call me a nosy bat-face, but I kind of love to hear about the little details of other people's lives. I think it's fascinating to see that while many people in the world deal with similar things on a daily basis (close relationships, financial worry, what to eat for dinner), we all do it in such different ways.

So, when someone posts an honest look into their marriage, I'm all over it---I love reading other people's views on this most important of human relationships. Just last night, I came across a blog post I haven't been able to stop thinking about entitled "Marriage doesn't make you blind." In the blog post, Lauren points out that being married doesn't mean you automatically won't find anyone else attractive ever again. She talks about how she's learned to talk about the "hard things" in her marriage, one of which is 'fessing up when she thinks someone else is attractive.

I do agree with her basic premise that marriage doesn't make you blind to attractive people of the opposite sex. I mean, we're all born with natural tendencies to be attracted to some people and not to others, and those impulses don't go away after marriage.

However, I actually do not agree at all with her premise that it's something that needs to be brought up in a marriage.

Let me explain myself a little more clearly just so no one gets the wrong idea:

If one of the spouses found themselves in a compromising situation because they were attracted to someone else, YES that should be talked about. If you start discovering that you're sliding down a slippery slope on your question of loyalty to your spouse because you can't stop thinking about that person, YES you need to talk about it.

On the other hand, though, I don't think you need to tell your spouse every time you see someone who you think is attractive. To me at least, that would just make me pretty self-conscious all the time if my husband was constantly remarking that he found such-and-such actress attractive or that he saw a really beautiful girl at school that day. Honestly, I don't feel the need to know about that kind of thing at all.

The truth is, I completely trust my husband. I acknowledge that I'm sure he occasionally finds other girls attractive. But guess what? I know without a doubt that he finds ME attractive and that he's 100% committed to our marriage, just as I am.

So, in the name of keeping this particular marriage solid, we don't feel the need to bring it up.

Of course, just to be on the safe side, I did actually bring this topic up with him last night. Although I was pretty sure he agreed with me, it was reassuring to find out that we saw exactly eye-to-eye on this subject (because let's face it---I really didn't want him to start telling me about all the girls he's ever found cute).

But in the end of our conversation, my husband brought up the most pivotal point in this whole matter---that every marriage is different. For us in our relationship, we are happiest NOT mentioning when we happen to find someone else attractive. For other people in their marriage, they might find that open lines of communication help them feel more secure. Whatever you do in your relationships, I just hope that it's for the best interest of both parties.

What do you think about this? Do you talk with your significant other about people you find attractive? Or do you not bring it up?

Also, feel totally free to disagree with me---I get that there will be a lot of people who don't see eye-to-eye with me on this one.

5 comments:

  1. I agree with you in the sense that it's not something that we bring up all the time. I might say to him that I find a certain singer/actor good looking, but in an unattainable, celebrity kind of way. I wouldn't say "Hey, our neighbour is sooo hot!" because I wouldn't want to give him a reason to feel insecure or to question my trust. So I guess I'm in the middle on this one - celebrities, yes, "real people", no.

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  2. I actually completely agree with you. When I first read the beginning, I was like, "Hmmm....no." Sometimes, I will text Trev and be like, "CONFESSION! I just saw a good looking guy and I had to look like...3 times." haha! It was so funny. But we don't honestly do that -- no. I'm with ya. For sure.

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  3. i'm on the same page as you and matt, and i'm sure jae is too. when we were dating and these type of conversations came up, he didn't even want to talk about it then. he didn't want to know all about guys i'd previously dated or kissed or anything. didn't want to know any numbers having to do with those things either. he just didn't need to. i did want to know more about his dating history than he did mine, but i still didn't need to know all the gory details either. and that's what works for us.

    and i totally agree - reading about others lives and how they go about all the "same" life experiences is very interesting!

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  4. I agree fully with this post, especially the point of being on the same page as your spouse, whatever your views may be. For Caleb and I, we don't mention other people being attractive to us. And I love it that way.

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  5. I completely agree! I would struggle with feeling insecure if my husband told me about who he was attracted to, but I do understand that naturally he will have those attractions as I do and will as well. I would imagine my husband would feel this way even more so as he hated even hearing about someone I "liked" before we started dating. But yes, blogging is such an interesting look into someone's life for all us nosies. ;)

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