Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Top 5 Ways to Spoil Your Run


 (semi-unrelated running posters via Runners World)
Even though my running commitment (and distances) aren't quite as stellar as they were over the summer, I've still been managing to squeeze in some 2-3 mile runs two to three days a week when I get home from work.
During the summer, I always did my runs in the morning, and this significant schedule change in my routine has definitely made my runs overall more uncomfortable than not.
So, with runner's wisdom gained from recent personal experiences, I give you:
The Top 5 Ways to Spoil Your Run
#5: Go running soon after eating your biggest meal of the day.
For maximum discomfort while running, ingest the following edibles right before a run (the closer to the run, the better):
-ice cream
-milk
-beans of any kind
-greasy anything
-cauliflower and/or broccoli
-any food with a less-than-pleasurable aftertaste via a burp
Side effects: runner's bloat and/or a raging sideache that's really more of a bellyache.
Helpful key: sideaches = lack of oxygen, bellyaches = unfriendly calories



#4: Don't think carefully about your running wardrobe before heading out.

Don't bother to check for rain or blistering heat or a possible lightning storm--in fact, try to dress for the complete opposite weather pattern than what is currently going on outside. Also, go and throw on that pair of shorts you haven't worn in ages that you've never worn running, and enjoy the maximum amount of chafing that inevitably occurs (or even better---the way those shorts threaten to fall down and expose you every block or two).


#3: Forget your iPod (or some other pleasant distraction) on the day that you most need to NOT think about something (like work). 

Hopelessly try and calculate how many steps you have left until you reach home to avoid thinking about that subject. Or think about your finances (even better!).


#2: Read all those blogs you've been meaning to catch up on, watch the latest episode of ANTM, and dither about the house thinking about doing housework for so long that it's almost completely dark when you leave the house.

Curse at yourself every time you trip over an obstacle you can't see, and try to not pee your pants when a dog comes out of nowhere and tries to eat you.


And the #1 way to ruin your run is:

Get the runs.

Relish the fact that with all that pavement-pounding and the overall effects of gravity in general, you will inevitably feel like you're about to implode when you're still at least three-quarters of a mile from home.

That's right, relish it.

Then run like you-know-what.
 
What other run spoilers have you come across?

5 comments:

  1. Good to know. Seriously. I'm happy I read this. Ahhh. Onto your next post. I'm behind :/

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  2. Ha ha this is funny and I feel pretty good that I finally relate to something about running. Not that I claim to be a real runner or anything but I am pretty sure all five of these things have happened to me so that counts for something right? If I could add one mistake it would be this: Leave the house thinking I don't need to go to the bathroom and then 5 minutes into your run you feel like you are going to burst and end up stopping at Wendy's to relieve yourself. It happened to me on Monday...

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  3. HAHA! Sick! about the runs. I'm mostly grossed out because unfortunately I related all too well last week.

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  4. OH no! The runs! Can't EVEN tell you how many times it has happened to me. It's torture! And yes, all of these are perfect :)

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  5. Haha this is funny and veryyy true!

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